New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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