i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
