i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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