i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
are you so shy because you have an std?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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