Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
