that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
