Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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