i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
