he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize