She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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