I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Pants are for mortals
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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