Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
There are leaves in my underwear?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
