So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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