I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
