MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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