I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
