She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
