my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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