my text book just quoted the cookie monster
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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