Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
