Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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