Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
