i permit you to call me
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
