dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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