Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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