so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
