my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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