Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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