This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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