I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
