your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
