Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
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