God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
