I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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