I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize