Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
