i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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