she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
