you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
