Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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