your parents love me but you hate me
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
