is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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