You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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