that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
