I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
