Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
