Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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