mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
