Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
