I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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