you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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