The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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