I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
