my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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