you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
