onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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