I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
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