if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
