I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
