I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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