toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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