Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I think I sprained my soul last night
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
