nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
