Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
