I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
